When Grief Walks into the Room with Us: How to tend to our own grief as we support youth in theirs.
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When Grief Walks into the Room with Us:
How to tend to our own grief as we support youth in theirs.
Tamara Cotton, BA, CCLS
The first time I cried in my office, it caught me off guard.
It was after a session with a youth who had just lost her friend in a tragic accident. Her grief was raw and heavy, and it cracked open another layer of grief from my own adolescence when I, too, lost my best friend. I remember closing the door and sinking into my chair, realizing that I wasn’t just holding space for her sorrow; I was also holding space for mine.
In the heart of every school lies a web of human connections, all of whom bring their unique stories, joys, and challenges to the shared space of learning. Among these narratives are often experiences of grief and loss, both personal and professional.
Grief touches every part of our lives.
As counsellors, we show up every day ready to support youth through some of their most difficult moments. We are trained to guide, to listen, and to hold safer spaces. But one truth continues to emerge in my work, and in conversations with colleagues:
To truly support young people through grief, we must first acknowledge and address our own.
Prioritizing our own grief makes us better clinicians.
When staff address their own grief, they become better equipped to support students facing similar challenges. Young people often look to adults for cues on how to handle difficult emotions. By demonstrating vulnerability and resilience, we provide a powerful model for navigating grief. Additionally, staff who are emotionally attuned to their own experiences are more likely to recognize when a youth might need extra support.
The Impact of Grief on School Counsellors
Grief is a universal experience, yet each person’s journey through it is profoundly unique. Often, it feels like a roller coaster, unpredictable and overwhelming. But we live in a society that tends to avoid grief. We’re encouraged to “move on,” to “stay strong,” to keep pushing forward. But grief doesn’t follow those rules. It isn’t linear, tidy, or bound by timelines. It’s not about getting over it; it’s about finding a way to move through it.
Grief can arise from many sources: from the death of a loved one or another major life transition, to the loss of connection, or a loss of function... there are many types of losses we can go through in life. Whatever its cause, grief can take a toll, not only emotionally, but also physically and cognitively (Hall et al., 2014). The connection between grief and mental health is especially important to acknowledge in professional settings, where unaddressed challenges can contribute to burnout, heightened stress, diminished motivation, and reduced job satisfaction (Laurie & Larson, 2020).
The Role of Self-Awareness
For a long time, I thought acknowledging my own grief meant I wasn’t “strong enough” for this work. Now, I know better. Naming our grief is not a weakness, it is self-awareness, compassion, and professionalism. And it’s necessary.
When we allow ourselves to feel, to reflect, and to accept the ebbs and flows of our emotional landscape, we model something powerful and authentic for students:
That grief is normal, that emotions are valid, and that healing is possible.
Self-awareness also helps us recognize when our own pain might be affecting the way we show up for others and when we may need time, space, or support for ourselves. It is essential to identify when our unresolved emotions might interfere with our professional responsibilities. Addressing these emotions proactively ensures we remain present and effective in our work.
Sometimes self-awareness guides us to step back. Sometimes it means asking for help. And sometimes, it’s simply about pausing long enough to check in with ourselves and say, “What do I need right now?”
It’s Okay to Feel Uncomfortable, But Don’t Let It Stop You
We live in a grief-illiterate society.
Because of this, we can feel ill-equipped in supporting others. Even those of us in mental health professions can feel uncomfortable about grief. We worry about saying the “right thing,” so we might not say anything at all to a grieving loved one or friend. This increases the chance of someone feeling isolated and grieving alone, which then increases the chance of them getting stuck, moving from the normal grieving process to more chronic mental health challenges and prolonged grief.
Schools can play a pivotal role in normalizing conversations about grief among staff. Professional development opportunities focused on grief and loss, peer support groups, and access to counselling resources can create a supportive space that welcomes grief expression. And if we are asking students to do reflective journal entries about grief and loss, let’s remember to do ours too!
Moreover, a supportive school community acknowledges that grief doesn’t have a timeline. Providing flexibility and understanding for colleagues navigating loss demonstrates the same empathy we hope to instill in our students.
Tending to Our Own Grief
There are small, meaningful ways we can support ourselves in this journey:
· Understand grief’s many faces - Grief involves the emotions, feelings, responses to loss, and they are unique to the individual. Grief never ends but changes over time. And it’s not just about death. It includes the loss of relationships, expectations, abilities, identity, and even community or culture.
· Practice self-compassion - As Dr. Kristin Neff reminds us, this means being kind to ourselves, recognizing our common humanity, and staying mindful of our suffering without avoiding or exaggerating it.
· Prioritize self-care - This is especially important when we feel we’re at capacity. What nourishes you may change during times of grief. That’s okay.
· Embrace community care - Mourning, which is the external expression of grief, is meant to be a community act – witnessed and shared. Many cultures around the world have rituals and practices that support the healing process. We can always create new rituals for ourselves and each other too. It’s about meaning and sharing.
· Talk with colleagues - Let your leadership know when you’re struggling. Normalize these conversations.
· Reach out for support - even as counsellors, we need our own counsellors. And that’s not just okay - it’s wise.
Becoming the Support We Wish We Had
When we acknowledge our own grief, we become more attuned to the grief in others. We listen more deeply. We notice the quiet student who used to laugh more, or the one who is suddenly acting out. We see the signals. We respond with heart.
I wish I would have had support when going through losses at a young age. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that tending to my own grief now has made me a better clinician. Not perfect. But more present.
And that presence is everything to a grieving young person.
Let’s honor our grief - for ourselves, for each other, and for the youth who are learning what it means to love and to lose.
Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.
All we can do is learn to swim.
-- Vicki Harrison
Tamara Cotton, BA, CCLS
Tamara has over 30 years' experience with frontline work in community-based, school, and hospital settings. Tamara is the Program Director and a Facilitator at Learning through Loss, a non-profit organization whose mission is to support youth through grief and loss through spreading grief-literacy. She is also a Child Life Specialist and Child and Youth Counsellor – both in an acute care hospital. Tamara is dedicated to empowering youth and fostering resilience in the face of grief and loss and finds purpose in providing the grief support she wishes she had in her own youth.
Tamara has a loving husband, two amazing teens of her own, and two wacky pets.
